Paying very close attention to the pain of weed overuse really helped me start my recovery journey

TL/DR: numbing myself w/ chronic daily weed overuse fucked up how I used all feelings. Focusing on my feelings surrounding weed use, especially after a day of overusing, allowed me to understand my weed overuse behavior led to me not being able to trust my own feelings. This really jump started my recovery journey.

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I used weed to numb me out. I did this for many years. I had many reasons that were legit to me to do this. I had chronic disabling pain due to a rare medical condition. I had mental health issues due to job loss and financial distress. I no longer knew who I was, all I just knew myself in the context of pain, suffering and stress.

I had pain and very intrusive thoughts that were stressful from the moment I woke up and until I ktfo usually from overdoing weed. This went on for many years, until the pain and suffering that my weed overuse got so bad that I started to finally pay attention to my consequences of my weed over use behavior.

Along the way, after many months of focusing on both the benefits and harms that my weed overuse caused, I realized something that was shocking to me….

The numbness that weed provided me became all consuming and pervasive. I was numb 24/7. I felt like I forgot how to feel and to use my feelings in helpful ways. I only felt stress or pain until I numbed out, on the daily… this became normal to me and it is weird af just thinking about this in the present.

I didn’t feel joy when I should naturally, like spending time with my baby girls and seeing them do something heart warming.

I didn’t feel suffering from waking up after a weed overuse-induced restless sleep and being groggy af.

I felt numb when my wife showed growing resentment, grouchiness, and anger (all of it justified) in response to having to pick up my slack and dealing with me intoxicated and with sub-optimal functioning.

Since I learned I stopped feeling, I decided at the start of my recovery journey to making my feelings surrounding weed use a central focus.

I didn’t just focus on the high itself, which is very fleeting and very unsatisfying if I had been binging on weed and killing my weed tolerance.

I focused on what happens after a day of overusing.

I didn’t judge any of the feelings. Although I understood that I don’t like bad feelings, and flat out hated bad feelings to the point where I wanted to numb out w/ weed overuse, I would feel like a hypocrite since my behavior w/ weed overuse always led to bad feelings.

Because my feelings were messed up, I could no longer trust my own feelings… could no longer trust my gut. That was a huge eye opener for me.

Feelings are important for survival… I realized I felt like I was sub-optimally surviving with my daily chronic weed overuse behavior.

This helped convince me that I could no longer go on overusing weed and that I had to learn how to manage my feelings without it.

I feel like I tricked myself by embracing the numbness from weed provided. It turned out to be a double edged sword, helpful for a few years until it no longer was, and then it started to cut back at me and hurt me and my loved ones.

I hope my share can encourage others to pay close attention to the bad feelings surrounding their weed use, and allow the knowledge they gain to help motivate them to start their recovery or stay on the glorious path.

It was not easy at all… I had to work hard at not judging myself or my weed overuse behaviors in order to be able to understand my bad feelings around weed overuse. It took me tons of practice and learning how to forgive myself for my weed overuse decisions and accept the uncomfortable consequences that were necessary to feel while I was getting myself out of the hole that I dug myself into w/ weed.

So I say, keep feeling while sober, both good and bad. Be in tune with it. Get professional help to deal with the toughest feelings or read up on books or watch helpful vids online, whatever it takes… I dunno, pick up a religion that doesn’t make you harm others or yourself or something?

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.